Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Just... Ready

Ok, so I totally know that I have not done a regular "me" post in quite some time. I loved recapping the wedding and recapping the honeymoon. How could I not!? But, I just can't seem to get back into the swing of things. Partly because I don't feel settled. I love my husband so much, but I feel like we haven't gotten a normal "newlywed beginning". Not by our choice, just what we had to do.

I never mentioned it on here before because I just didn't know how personal I wanted to get since I didn't even know MYSELF what my own future held.

So, maybe my feelings right now just need to kind of be put out there. So, don't mind me if it's a little "woe is me" and I hate feeling like this, but, maybe it will help if I just try to talk through what I'm feeling. I most certainly think a year from now I will look at this post and say "God you are amazing" because how many times have I looked back at PAST blog posts and said the exact same thing. HE has blessed me beyond description, but I always seem to look at the negative. So, I'm going to get my feelings out and look towards an amazing experience.

Ok... here goes...

D graduated from Texas Tech University this past December (2008). We were so excited for this day to come, but didn't know that it'd be so hard to find him a job. Why, oh why, economy? So, he searched forEVER or at least it felt like it... and to no avail. I never doubted that he'd get a job and I most certainly thought he'd get a job before the wedding. Surely, he would right!? But, God had other plans. It was about a month before the wedding (or even the first week of May) that it REALLY really hit me. We could not live on my income alone, and we could not afford an apartment - WHERE are we going to live?

My parents and I went to visit the reception venue for one of our last meetings to decide on food and extras and just stuff. It was about 3 weeks before the wedding. I was totally calm about the wedding, I just was so scared that I did not know what my future held after the fact. I know that it's not normal for couples to not live together before marriage, but that is something we TRULY believe(d) in. I was ready to live with my husband and have our own place. To experience newlywed/married life. I have never really had my own place. I lived in the dorms in college all 4 years (would NOT trade it for anything) and I lived at home to save money while I worked (I've been out of college a little over 3 years now). I just couldn't possibly see what we were going to do. My parents offered that we could live in my room until D found a job. I felt so blessed that they would do this, but I was not excited about this option either. Oh my gosh how I was NOT excited. That truly is an understatement. I was super super stressed that my "dreams" of living with my husband when I got married felt squashed. I didn't see an end in sight and that is always hard for me. I am learning that I need to go with the flow and quit worrying about seeing the "end in sight" all the time, it truly crushes my spirit when I do that.

Well, God surprised us. We'd been living at my parents for about a month now, and D received a phone call saying he was chosen as pipeline safety inspector and he would be working for the STATE OF TEXAS, starting July 1st. The day I found out I started dreaming up apartments and I wanted to get one RIGHT away. No matter if he hadn't started his job yet, I was so inpatient it was crazy. I'm usually the patient one and D is not. Well, D was so patient and I didn't understand why - was he not ready to be on our own? We look at apartments and D decided to wait. Why, I don't know? I was just... ready! But, then the option of houses came about. You know - the whole $8k first time home buyers tax credit looked really appealing. I was all about a house, but in reality I could care less where we lived as long as we were on our own. I kind of felt like a kid still in her mom and dad's house and I didn't not feel like a wife, I kind of still don't feel like that yet. I am ready to be a wife and feel like a wife and not just to come home to my own house every night from work - I would think anyone would feel the same way.

Well, God surprised us again. After going through a whole ordeal of finding a house and then putting down interest money, only to back out because we weren't all that comfortable. To, searching and loving houses only to have contracts already on the homes. To, finally finding a house we could live in. I am patiently patiently awaiting August 26th. We will close and be able to FINALLY have our own place. I am just... ready!

God amazes me. Truly. I sit here typing this thinking of these past (almost) 3 months... how much HE has given us... how much I am thankful and how much I am mad at myself for getting so upset so many times. I literally could cry because I just am so... ready!

Again, so sorry for the "woe is me". Thanks for supporting me and, if you made it this far, well, you deserve a gold star. Thanks for always reading my blog and always commenting. It really is fun to see what other ladies are going through.



Thanks for this post Brittney! I enjoy reading your blog and am glad you took the step to be more open and vulnerable on this post. It is encouraging to look back at our lives and see how God has seen us through things when we are experiencing tribulations right now. Very encouraging post!

- Rebecca M.