Thursday, February 11, 2010

I don't know what it is...

... but I have not been having a superb week... I have been in a FUNK!

I hate throwing pity parties, but that's what I've done almost all week long... I don't know what to do about it, but it is DRIVING me nuts!

I just am trying to get my thoughts in writing (typing) in hopes that it makes sense. Maybe someday I will look back at this and realize how far I've come...

It has been a week of up and downs for sure... crying - lots of it... the kind that leave you with a lump in your throat and if you don't just let it all out... it hurts! So, I let it all out... each day... and I probably will again today.

Mostly I'm afraid of failing. That I'm not "good enough" if there is such a standard made. A lot of where my headache/heartache is coming from is my photography business.

I SO want this to be something that can finally be my full-time job... someday... probably not anytime soon. I've been trying to figure this whole "bid-ness" thing out :) What are these steps? What am I supposed to do next?

I feel lost... so, how do I know what's next?

As Jasmine Star said... "It's just that I feel lost and I don't know how to connect the dots"

EXACTLY, Jasmine! EXACTLY!

It's all so scary and freeing. The unknown.
Stressful really.

I wish I had the words to describe what I'm feeling/thinking at any given moment right now but, I don't...

I've taken an excerpt from Jasmine Star's site... someone I admire and look up to because of her heart and her business... I love her... and when I feel down or feel like I'm about to fail... I hope I remember to come back and read this!

"The Value of Soap Operas:
Yesterday I sat at my desk and spoke into the phone while [her husband] sat on the floor typing away at his computer. That's when it happened. The quiver in my voice, the sting in my eyes. My nose turns red right before I'm going to cry, it's a dead giveaway. There I sat like Rudolph the Reindeer and tried to keep my ish together. I thanked the guy on the other end of the phone for his time and hung up.

I leaned my head back on my chair and fought the tears. I was fine until [her husband] reached up from the floor and touched my hand. Much like touching a full sponge, I leaked. As the tears fell, he promised everything was going to be okay. Not like all dramatic and soap opera-ish (cue the soft lights, the stringed music and please throw in a line that starts with By God I shall never leave you...). It was more like we've been here before.

It's just that I feel lost and I don't know how to connect the dots, I said.

...for the first time in a long time, I feel like my world is rocked. Strangely enough, this is how I started my photography business. And I'm feeling quite the same way. Lost, frustrated, worried, overwhelmed. I'm posting this blog entry because I want to remember. Remember the emotion that comes with risk and being on the cusp of success. Or failure. Oh that blurry line I so strongly detest.

I know there might be a few others who know how I'm feeling right now. Oh, Internet, I get you. I tangibly know the feelings of frustration and worry ... but I also know the emotion that accompanies risk: joy, excitement, and fear. I hope this post makes you feel less alone. Or, really, makes me feel less alone. Because if I was totally being honest, all I really want is for a random blog reader to find me in the street today and say By God I shall never leave you...

I kid, Internet, I kid"

1 comments:

Ashlee Janaye

If it means anything I think you are a fabulous photographer and I LOVE your work! I'm sure everything will all fall in place for you some day. :]